AFRICAN DUST BLAMED FOR INCREASED
HOUSING MAINTENANCE COSTS IN MIAMI

Decades of research by Dr. Joseph Prospero and other atmospheric researchers have concluded that there is a direct correlation between the increased replacement costs of south Florida vacuum cleaners over other areas of the country. “We sucking up the Sahara over here” said Prospero in a recent interview with major executives from Hoover, Bissell and Fuller Brush. Hoping to get funding for student research scholarships Doug Ray of the RSMAS Advancement Office set up the scientific presentation by Prospero to the CEOs of the companies doing the most cleaning up in the state. The resulting scholarship program has been named DITSKY – Dust in the sky.

B-YACHT

Not to be outdone by the Gables campus for high profile celebrity involvement in university life, the Rosenstiel School has formed an alliance with local rap stars in a boat donation program. Those who make it rich quick in urban music sometimes are in need of large tax deductions so the B-yacht program has been devised. Those who join the program promise to make a donation of a 40 ft or longer yacht for each platinum record they make. The boat is to be used for off shore research as well as the annual run for rum to Elliott Key exclusively by RSMAS graduate students. Dean Otis Brown announced they are hoping sign local celebrities like the Ying-Yang Twins and Mr. 305 himself, Pitbull, to the program. Dean Brown was quoted as saying “I’m sick of gettin’ punked by those Gables OGs!”

NEW FITNESS CENTER STIRS UP EXCITEMENT.

The new RSMAS fitness center had it’s official opening this past year celebrating the collective efforts of Physical Plant staff and the good health of the faculty/staff and students at RSMAS! Dean Brown vamped for the cameras at the ribbon cutting. See other news about the ice rink and rock wall also coming to campus in the future.

A full service dry cleaner will be added to the MSGSO laundry facilities in 2010.

Above: Dean Otis Brown And Wellness Director Norm Parsons play Rock, Paper, Scissors to See Who Will Be First to Enter the New Fitness Facility at RSMAS

“FISH” LIBRARIAN

Have your noticed the vintage Barracuda parked under SLAB these day? Who is the owner you may ask? The answer may be submerged under the library’s list of recent acquisitions. Our new librarian is Lisa Fish. After months of searching through applications, the Library committee’ scales tipped in her direction. Jim Natland, Committee chair said the decision was on porpoise and not just for the halibut! “It takes a lot of good organization and a lot of clams to maintain an excellent marine research library!” said Natland. We are happy to have landed her.

“There is a lot to learn and I’m determined to keep my head above water” Lisa said over her peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich in our interview. “What made you decide on RSMAS, I asked over my Whaler, (hold the grunions with extra mako if you must know) “I just eeled over at the offer and I look forward to many years in this school.” Lisa and her husband Marlin and their son Gil reside next door at Miami Seaquarium.

EXTREME MAKEOVER

Women in science are not beyond using make-up and fashion to set them apart. Take a look at a makeover session held on campus just this past week. The ladies were having a fun time sampling retro-Seminole fashions and forehead creams. “No more drab in the lab” was the theme of the event.

AQUACULTURE CLUB SPOKESPERSON “BOY GEORGE”

In a cooperative arrangement to boost both his career and the populations of oceans fish, British born performer and 80s glam guy, Boy George, has signed on with Professor Daniel Benetti to speak at international events promoting membership in the Aquaculture Club of, Really, Everybody (ACRE). As ACRE spokesperson, George vows to reach the day “...the fish of this planet will no longer have to ask “Do you really want to hurt me?” with bottom nets that destroy their habitats and wipe out their populations. Instead let us grow in large healthy, happy families and feed the world!”, stated George. In an interview with Dr. Benetti he commented, “Mr.George” was a cultural icon of the 80s and now he will be the aquacultural icon of this century. We are pleased he has agreed to join us in this cause. George promises to include marine life symbols in his new line of androgynous fashions to be displayed during the poster session at the upcoming meetings of the World Aquaculture Society. Watch for sample products in the display cases in the MSC lobby in the coming months.

‘TICKETS! YOU NEED A TICKET?’

“Who’s got my ticket?’ ‘I have two for Tuesday but I need one for Wednesday.’ ‘I need one!’ ‘Wow, those are some crazy colors man.’

For close to a week the RSMAS info-listserv crackled to life with requests for tickets to see Gore and Clinton. It candidly reminded me of attending Grateful Dead concerts with my family as a child – a flash back maybe? In anticipation to make the Bank United Center event unforgettable I wonder how many of us eagerly waited by the computer to see what other ‘sensory enhancing commodities’ may come up for trade and barter.

Submitted by Brian Giebel

APLYSA ATTACK CAUGHT ON FILM

Visiting Nobel Laureate (for chemistry in 1959), Alan Kornberg, was attacked by hybrid aplysia Californica at the Aplysia Resource Facility Here on Virginia Key. RSMAS administration has attempted to keep this attack quiet for fear of frightening the undergraduate volunteers at the hatchery. However, startling photos have come to light that prove that the normally placid and toothless Aplysia californica have been successfully cross bred with wolverines to produce a deadly menace. Rumor has it this is a top secret project funded by Homeland Security.

When called for details about the attack, Tom Capo, director of the facility, responded "Well, the man IS a Nobel laureate. He should have Had enough sense to not stick his head into the tank." When asked to comment on the aplysia-wolverine hybrid program at the experimental hatchery, PI Mike Schmale, responded; "I am not at liberty to discuss the program at this time. My only comment is that scuba diving terrorists should watch their backs."

Submitted by Colleen Stovall

BYE-BYE RSMAS

After a successful RSMAS fall campaign for United Way, Karen Wilkening of the Advancement has decided to fundraise full-time for United Way. Soooo long, said Karen, trying to leave her office. It’s been a real slice of heaven around here but I’m moving on. Obviously Carla Lovinsky and Doug Ray are not pleased with her decision and would rather she changed her mind.

Submitted by Karen Wilkening

WE GOT JOKES

All of the articles in this April Fools issue of Soundings are untrue, unfounded, and meant for laughs. We hope you enjoyed it!